trust issues

Something very bad happened to me today. But that's not what i want to write about and share with you all today.

Today I want to put it out there that I want SO badly to trust others again (maybe "again" is the wrong word- I want to trust others for the first time in my life)

More than that, I want so badly to feel true belonging in a community and be able to trust them wholly.

I'm tired of the old cultural habits I've inherited. Specifically the people-pleasing and hiding one's authentic self for the sake of toeing some institutional line.

A client at an organization I used to volunteer for once said, "you're a hippie, really, aren't you?!" I don't know what I said or did to deserve being put into that category. I've honestly never felt like I fit into that box. But maybe I'm starting to see that trajectory.

Hippies are disenfranchised. 

Hippies reject the unconventional.

Hippies pursue a state on enlightenment outside of the established culture of their society.

And hippies have trust issues with society.

I'm not sure how general or how specific I'm going to be here. Maybe in a later post I'll be able to talk more clearly about what happened to me today. 

What happened to me last year.

And two years before that.

About what happened to me as a child.

But for now, it is going to be enough to say that today I feel strangely free and unbearably sad. I'm sure I'll be grieving about this for a long time.

But I also have hope that maybe we can build something different from here, me and my little family. Maybe we can find that elusive belonging. Maybe it isn't as far out of reach as it has felt recently.

Maybe there is hope.

Maybe fear is a liar.

Maybe healing is already on it's way.